Baby Steps

It is amazing how fast my days can turn around. Yesterday when I wrote post I was in so much pain but then with in minutes my dear friend Lauren called and wanted to meet us at Lion's Park. Ty and Madison rode bikes and played on the playground at it felt great to have a friend to talk too. After we left the park Whitney called to say her AC was out so I told her to come over with Sadie and Zoe. That meant I was able to love on my Goddaughter. We had a great time visiting and then another that lives down the street came over to bring us dinner (we have meals coming to our house since the end of July and they will continue for one more week. It has been a blessing and I will post more on that later). I loved being able to visit with so many special women yesterday. And the best part was my parents offered to keep Ty last night so I could go on a date with Ryan. God always knows how to fill me with hope and make a moment that was horrible in to a blessing.

This morning at Church was a little hard and I found myself crying during two of the songs we were singing. Some days going to church are hard for me because it always sparks so many thoughts and feelings about Landry and plus I see so many babies that my whole body just aches and longs for Landry. I will say that I have always loved crying because I always feel a little better a good cry even if it only lasts a minute. I know that I have the right to cry and even be mad but the reason that I beat myself up over it sometimes is I don't like crying in front of Ty because he does not like to see me cry. I think that is normal because it breaks my heart when he cries because I don't always know what he wants or needs. I think that is a normal feeling for parents. I always tell Ty when he asks why I am crying that I am sad, but that you make me very happy. My role as a mother is to guide and protect Ty so I am doing everything I can for that boy to make him feel loved and safe.

I know the Lord knows my pain so I do not feel guilty about the pain I carry or the tears that are shed. God can handle anything we throw at Him and I know he will be able to handle the screaming at the top of my lungs and my crying out in pain. I know that He longs to father us so I just want to be able to share the depths of my pain with Him.