LOVE

When we lost Landry I felt so alone and that no one would be able to fully understand what we are going through. However, through my blog and other blogs I have found some of the most amazing and inspiring women that have walked down this road before and others that are currently walking down the road along side me. I am blessed and blown away daily by the love, peace, hope, and joy these women bring to me every single day.

MaryBeth lost her second little girl, Reese on August 24th: http://www.runningwithreese.com/

MaryBeth has a little girl, Riley that is 2 years old and she sent Tyler a sweet note...... I know these two will hit it off when they have the opportunity to meet (I wish Seattle was not so far). I am inspired by MaryBeth because she chose to run in the Seattle Half Marathon last Sunday for Reese and all the other precious Angels..... our precious Landry James was one of those Angels and she had his name on the back of her shirt. All of the money that was raised will benefit Molly's Bears. Please click on Running With Reese to learn more about this wonderful organization.
Precious, Riley

Blown away by love when I saw this picture. Thank you, Thank you!

There was also a Balloon Release and I love this beautiful balloon

Words will never be able to express how thankful I am for God bringing: Andrea, MaryBeth, Sarah, Kelly, Erin, and Chelsea in to my life. I know we have never met but I feel like I have known you for years. Your love encourages me daily. Thank you for being a blessing to me and my family.

Strength and Patience

There us park that is really close to our house and anytime the weather is nice we are usually there. Ty truly loves parks and I love watching him run, climb, and slide with so much joy on his face. Sometimes our visits can be bittersweet for me because there are always other families around and almost every time there is a baby in a stroller. I miss Landry a lot during our park outings and wish Tyler had is brother to run around with someday like the others in the park.
We decided to heard to the park on Wednesday afternoon and it was a treat because Ryan with us. Therefore, I decided to snap pictures. A lot of things have become very therapeutic for me these days and picture taking is one of them. I am not good by any means but I have fun shooting away.
There is this one rope that Tyler always attempts every time we are at this particular park but he never makes it to the top, he will try but then he will move on because it gets to hard and it is really wobbly. Wednesday, Tyler headed over to the rope and he was actually making it a lot higher than he normally does. Ryan went behind but never once helped him and he finally made it to the top all by himself and I was so proud and amazed by him at that moment when he made it to the top. He showed so much strength and determination that I was blown away by how brave he was and how is Mommy needs to follow in his footsteps occasionally. Tyler climbing the rope reminded me so much of myself and our life lately. We have been faced with this huge obstacle and some days I just don't feel like I have the strength or courage to overcome it and try to climb to the top and find peace and comfort.
God is our rope and we just have to hold on to him and HIS truth. Some days we may shake and fall but, our Savior is always going to be there as we try and make it to the top.
Thank you Ty for being so brave and showing Mommy that it takes practice and A LOT of patience to make it to the top.

Baby Dedication

Today at our Church was Baby Dedication and the day that Landry would have been dedicated. I had not thought about it and then when when ever I started seeing all the couples with their little ones all dressed up that is when my heart sunk. A precious baby face come on the big screen in front of us and our Pastor invited all families with their precious blessings up to the front, and Ryan turned to look at me and immediately put his hand on my hand. Tears were rolling down my face as all of the couples were introducing their little ones.... part of me wanted to stand up and mention our precious Landry.... I longed to be with Landry this Morning. I longed to be rocking him during the service this Morning. I was thankful that our close friends; Price and K.C. were sitting next to us. Thank you K.C. for your loving pat. :)
I hate that I had to come home to house surrounded by boxes and two bare Christmas Tree's. I just miss Landry and want him with us. I am feeling so weak while typing this.................. I wish I had the motivation I have had years past.

Thanksgiving Day

We were fortunate to spend Thanksgiving with some of my family this year. We went to Austin to my Aunt and Uncles House. We were surrounded by my parents, special Aunts, a very special Uncle, and Cousins. Tyler loved being around everyone.
I received so many special texts on Thursday from so many special friends that were thinking of us and remembering Landry. I broke down when we first there, but then my loving Dad loved on me and shared some loving words with me, so the rest of the afternoon was spent enjoying family that loves me, my family, and especially Landry. The Holiday's are going to be bittersweet this year. My beautiful Cousins: Claire, Lauren, and Caroline... we missed you Meghan.

I love my Mom and Dad so much.

My Dad with his Brother and Sister, John and Carol.

The cold weather hit while we were there. Ty enjoying football with his Poppy.

I love this face

Mom and Lauren

What a blessed day to remember how thankful we are for our family, friends, and especially Landry. My littlest never left my mind or heart.

Heaven Is Your Home

Happy 4 months in Heaven, Landry James. Today it seems like just yesterday that you were here and we were all trying to hold on to you as long as we could, and then some days it feels like years since we saw you and held you. We love you so much Landry and we are so thankful for you everyday. The 43 hours that we had with you were the most amazing and heartbreaking hours that we have ever felt.
Landry you brought so much love, strength, and inspiration to us, the rest of your family members, and so many special friends. I am so proud of you, and I feel honored to have carried you for 38 weeks. Landry I really ache for you to be in my arms today.
Tyler loves you so much, Landry. Tyler is the most sweetest, loving boy and he loves you so much, Landry. Tyler has talked a lot about you this week.... I need to share soon.
As hard as I try to make our home feel warm, safe, and cozy I know that it does not compare to your home in Heaven. As much as I long to have you in your room and in our house. I do know Landry, that you are living in the most amazing and safe home that there is and for that I am thankful, and I know for a fact that you are surrounded by so many Angel Friends; Cohen, Holden, Reese, Chase, Gwendolyn, and Noah. I am so thankful for those beautiful friends and their Mommies.
Landry James, Happy 4 months in Heaven! I look forward to the day when I am home with you.

Happy Thanksgiving

May you all have a Blessed and Beautiful Thanksgiving. Our Family is so thankful for each and everyone of you.

Four Months

Today we held a 4 month balloon release for our sweet Landry. We also released a very special pink balloon for Landry's Heaven friend, Reese. Reese celebrated her 3 month Birthday in Heaven today. We love you Reese, and we look forward to the day when we can meet you. I also can't wait to meet your Mommy, MaryBeth and your Big Sister, Reese.
What a beautiful windy day to send some very special balloons to heaven. Tyler of course loved releasing the balloons and watching and waving as they made there way to Heaven.

Four Months ago today, Landry James Steele joined our family and we will be forever thankful for him and the special gift he brought to our family. We love you so much Landry. Your Big Brother, Tyler led the prayer at the balloon release and first thing he said was "Dear God, thank you for, Landry." I think that says it all.

Giving Thanks

Dear Landry,

It is hard to believe that we will be spending your first Thanksgiving with out you. Mommy has been so sad and dreading this Holiday for a while, because all I do is think about you and how much I miss you and want you here with us. Mommy has missed you all day long......

My whole body feels broken and I just wish I could go and hide and come back out after this weekend. However, I know you would not want me to do that. You are wanting me to remind others how thankful we are for you this Thanksgiving and maybe tell others that do not know you about what a fighter you were and maybe even show off your pictures. You know your Mommy is good at doing that. I am so proud of all three of my Boys.

No matter what kind of year we have had and no matter how much I ache for you I will always give thanks for you, Landry James and I will always praise the One that chose me to carry you.

Happy First Thanksgiving in Heaven, Landry

Love you always and forever,

Mommy

.

With Thanksgiving In Our Heart

The truest measure of our Thanksgiving is how we use the blessings for which we give thanks. With Thanksgiving in our hearts, we wish you a joyous Thanksgiving.

Nothing To Say

My heart has been heavy for the past few days. All I can say is that I miss Landry.......

I have so much on my mind but the only thing I can get out is, I miss him.

Thanksgiving Feast

Yesterday afternoon Tyler's School held a Thanksgiving Feast (I LOVE this school). I have been so impressed with Ty and all that he is learning. He only goes three days a week in the Morning but he has changed and learned so much during the few months he has been there. Yesterday was a school wide Feast and I felt truly blessed to be able to attend and help set up and serve.
Of course Tyler looked like a sad little Pilgrim...... This face is such a blessing. Ty's place mat

Tyler brought home a feather that we had to decorate as a family. Tyler's is the 3rd one from the right. I brought out everything we had at home at let Tyler go to work. It was a perfect feather that represented him.
I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving Week and that God's blessings surround you and yours.

1st Christmas

This Morning I had to run to Hobby Lobby to pick up red Cellophane for a Luncheon and Fashion Show at Tyler's school the first week of December (Tyler is a model). I was secretly excited when they asked me to run this errand because I love Hobby Lobby and I thought I could browse while getting my Cellophane. As I walking around trying to find the aisle that the Cellophane would be on I browsed at all the cute stuff and I of course created a wish list in my brain. I finally had to ask for help and once I got to the right aisle and got what I came for I started walking for the register and I passed this huge display of Baby's 1st Christmas items. I found my myself staring at it for a little bit and then that is when I felt the huge whole in my heart ache and I had a feeling tears were close to the surface, so I walk really fast to the check out and luckily I was first in a line to check out because I knew I was going to have a break down at any moment, and I will just say the tears started flowing once I got in my car.
The Holiday's are going to hurt and I have not gotten through Thanksgiving and I am already having a really hard time with Christmas. It is all the "Firsts" that really hurt. This is the first time in several years that I have dreaded the Holidays. I just have to remember that Jesus is the reason for the season and hold on to that truth.

Another First

This week I tackled another "first"..... going back to the gym. I kept putting it off because I did not feel strong or up to it. Ever since I can remember I would talk about going back to the gym once I had Landry because I was going to be so ready to get back in shape. I had hopes, dreams, and plans of starting at the new gym where the majority of my friends are members. I would go on the Mornings that Ty would be in school and I would take Landry...... yes this germ freak was going to take her littlest. All of my friends that have babies kept telling me how wonderful the child care was and that it was clean. They basically hold the little ones the whole time. I guess if they were doing it then it could not be that bad....
Loosing Landry changed everything and the plans I had were no longer going to happen. I am not sure why it hurt so much to think about working out because it is not really that big of a deal but for me it was another reminder that I don't have the one person I want so badly. My close friend, Whitney that had Zoe a few weeks after Landry tried to get me to go last Monday, but I chickened out... I am not always that strong.... Whitney and several others have been encouraging me a lot lately and I am so thankful for them. I was eating lunch last week with my close friends, Pam and Tracy and they asked me about going to the gym with them on Monday Morning after drop off. I told them my fears and they understood everything but then Tracy looked at me and said it was time to rip "that" band aid off (I love when friends tell it to me straight because sometimes I need that). I started laughing when she said that but that thought stuck with so Monday Morning Pam sent me a text and said I will see you at 8:15... I could not say no to that..... so Monday Morning I ripped "that" band aid off and went to my first Power Pump class. All I can say was I was hooked and ready to sign up. I was in pain from head to toe but it felt good. I was back on Tuesday for a Spin Class. I could barely walk and sitting down was torture.... I can't believe how out of shape I am... well, yes I can. :) I took a break on Wednesday and Today but I plan on going tomorrow Morning. Exercise really is therapeutic in a way because it is just a time that I can have some time to my thoughts and maybe let out some aggression! :)
Thank you, God for holding my hand and heart this week as I tackled another "first" with out Landry.

Beauty

Poppy holding on to his precious namesake. This picture just melted my heart......... Dear Landry,
Your Mommy is missing you so much right now. Your strength and courage amaze me daily. Sometimes I wish I had has much strength as you showed us during your time with us. As painful as the couple of days we had with you were I would go back to those days in a second if that meant I was able to see, hold, and kiss you all over again.
Landry, Mommy is so thankful for you and for all the amazing Mom's you brought in to my life that are also missing their sweet babies. I am so thankful for them and their beautiful hearts. It brings me JOY to know that you are surrounded by so many friends. I love you and miss you daily, my littlest.
Thank you God, for allowing me to carry Landry and be his Mom. I am also thankful for the HOPE you have given me by allowing me to meet other Mom's that have lost their beautiful little ones. I cherish these beautiful Mom's that are walking on this journey with me.

Landry James Steele Memorial

As I have mentioned before I am honored to be apart of the Junior League of Bell County. I learned 4 months first had what a wonderful group of women I have the honor and privilege to work and volunteer with. We had meals coming to our house for 2 months from league and other community members that was thinking and praying for us... WOW. Three days after Landry went to Heaven my dear friend, Pam whom has now become my rock during this journey told me that the League wanted to set up a Memorial for Landry. As Landry's Mom I felt so proud that someone wanted to find a special way to remember our littlest.... and did they ever. JLBC raised $2900 in honor of Landry. $1,000 went to Ryan's school Westphalia ISD that will be used for a Reading Corner in the School Library, and the rest of the proceeds will be used to purchase two beds for the NICU at Scott and White Hospital. Every item that will be purchased will have Landry's name on it. What an amazing honor for us and our family.
On Friday, October 29th a check presentation was held at Ryan's school. We had a few League Members, close friends, and both of our parents were present. It was a beautiful Morning. Ryan invited his 8th grade students to the presentation and it truly was a touching presentation. Thank you Pam and Jen for all you did to make the day possible for us. We are truly touched by your kindness and generosity. I have learned through Landry how much all the small things mean to us. Thank you JLBC for your kindness and compassion and of course your wonderful gift for helping others. I will be forever thankful to each and everyone one you.

We framed Landry's Letter and there were a line of students reading it. That was so touching to me. What precious kids.

Pam and Ryan

Christina and KC. Two of the Supper Club girls. Our group travels everywhere. I love you both more that you will ever know.

Christina, Jen, Me, Pam, Rebecca, and KC (KC is the only one that is not a league member. (Come on KC.. you will love it. :) )

Pam. I love you more than you will ever know and thank for holding my hand during this journey. You amaze me.

Bitter Sweet

If you have followed my blog for a while you would know that we purchased a new home Last June (2009). We were wanting a bigger house because we knew that we had hopes and dreams of having more children. When we found out I was pregnant last November with Landry, we immediately thought that we would need another bedroom because we would loose our office/guest bedroom and with Ryan still working on his Doctorate he really needs a place to do work. Therefore, we told my Dad about our idea and my Dad having the wonderful sense of Architectural class and style that he has immediately went to work drawing plans and listening to our wants and needs. We decided to turn our garage in to a Master Bedroom suit with a laundry and Mud room. This would give us four bedrooms and three baths. Our garage had low ceilings and our cars could not fit so basically it was storage and a laundry room. The finished project was great and ready just in time for Landry to come home, and it was all done with excitement and hope and of course lots of dreams for our growing family.
I sobbed when we first walked in to our addition with out having Landry and I remember telling Ryan sorry for having him find a way to do this addition for us. I know it was just as hard on my parents because it would not have been possible with out them and especially my talented and amazing Dad that is a home builder.
We started tackling the back yard as well before Landry, but then once everything happened everything slowed down.... However, my Dad has been doing everything to make this home perfect and a home filled with lots of hope, dreams, and memories. Last Thursday our street was filled with Trucks, a Bobcat, and a cement truck. In Tyler's eyes it was the perfect day. Once I saw that cement back at our house I ran to our office in tears.... this job has turned bitter sweet to me. We started this project with Landry and all the dreams we had for our new family and now that he is not with us to finish the project it just hurts. I am so thankful my Dad was here for me that Morning because I needed his strong shoulder and words of wisdom. I love you, Dad! Our backyard it starting to take shape and Ty loves the cement for riding bikes and playing. For me I still envision a growing family.

Basketball Season

Volleyball and Football are over so now it is time to start Basketball! Thankfully Ryan is not the Coach. We will still be at the games but he is just in charge of running the clock. On Thursday we headed out to cheer on the Lady Bluejays and also lend a helping hand. I started out working the money desk with Lauren and Madison but then I was I needed in the concession stand. Tyler was running back and forth and in and out. He was itching to get a ball and start playing.

Towards the end of the last game I hear a whistle blow and I am thinking the game is over so I step out to see what is going on... the game is not over but a ball rolled on the court during the middle of a play. Guess who rolled that ball out on the court, Ty! Someone in the stands gave him a ball and I guess he accidentally rolled it on the court. The Ref called a time out and from what I hear Tyler had a penalty called on him..... I do not know the first thing about Basketball, I know Ryan did not marry me based on my knowledge of sports because I will be the first to admit that I am clueless in that area, but I am ok with that. Ryan kept his head down the whole time. For me sometimes laughter is needed. We will see if we will be invited back tomorrow night.