July 26th

July 26th will be a day that will live in our hearts forever. On July 26, 2007 we welcomed our first born, Tyler Justin. On July 26, 2010 our second born, Landry James went home to Heaven. It is amazing that one day could hold so much joy one year and then so much pain another year.
My friends were so amazing to Tyler on his Birthday. They took him to the park and then they went and got cup cakes and McDonald's and had a very special Birthday party for Tyler in the NICU wing. I am sure the NICU had never seen so many kids. We finally were asked to move to the waiting area. All I wanted is for Tyler to fill loved at all times and I know he did that day and every day since Landry was born, even though his Mommy was falling apart inside.
We had more family and friends come on Monday to see Landry. We were completely blessed and humbled by all the love that was being poured down on us and our family.
I remember walking outside the hospital around 12 with Tyler and my best friend, Christina to get Tyler's over night bag. This was the fist time that I had seen the outside since Saturday Morning. It felt strange to see that life was going on like normal. I felt as though it should have stopped for us...... I saw people laughing and talking and here I am waiting for my son die. Life felt very cruel at that moment.
As soon as we came back to the 3rd floor my Moms good friend said you need to go back to Landry and Ryan right now.... my heart dropped and Tyler started screaming because he did not want to leave the play area.... talk about torn. I walked through the the door with a screaming boy and then I turned the corner to the hall where our room was, and I see My best friends Lindsay and KC and My Mom and Ryan's Mom and I could tell by the looks on there face that Landry was gone. I walk in the room to see Ryan standing there holding Landry. Tyler is still screaming and when I walk in the room to be with Ryan and Landry Tyler screams at the top of his lungs "I want my Mommy" I collapsed on the bed and the tears starting coming down. I felt like a horrible Mother at that moment. Because I did not know how to help Tyler or Landry.
Ryan put Landry in my arms and I just stared at the beautiful face that was already being held by Jesus. Landry went to Heaven at 12:15pm on July 26, and he was being held by his strong and amazing Daddy when he took his last breath. I am so thankful I had said my goodbyes to Landry several times since I was not there with him when he slipped away. We all held on to Landry for a while before having to give him to the NICU nurse. All I could think of when Landry died was how his Uncle Justin, was now holding him..... I felt such a strong connection to my parents because they had walked down this road when my Brother died almost 21 years ago. We have had to say good bye to two beautiful boys a lot sooner than we wanted too.
Funeral arrangements were already being planned for Landry. I thought I would be planning a first birthday before a funeral. When it was time for us to say our good- byes and hand Landry back to the nurse that was so hard for me. I carried this precious boy for 9 months and 2 days after he was born I was having to give him back.... It did not feel right to be leaving the hospital with out Landry and a empty car seat. When we went in to the Hospital to have Landry we thought we would be leaving as a family of four but we were leaving as a family of three with just a beautiful memory box with Landry's hair, footprints, and hand prints. Driving home felt strange because it was normal, just the 3 of us.... but we had all changed and our hearts will always have a place for Landry so now it a new normal for us.
I am sure there is more to say but I can't. Sharing our journey has been very painful and healing at the same time. I miss Landry so much and everyday I long to have him in my arms. I know he is safe and being held so for that I am grateful. Landry James lived for 43 hours and those hours were the most amazing and heartbreaking hours in my life. July 26th will always be a bittersweet day for me. Joy mixed with sorrow......