AJLI

I left on Wednesday afternoon with my President Elect and good friend, Pam for New Orleans. I had the privilege of attending The Association of Junior Leagues International Winter Leadership conference. The trip was fun, exhausting, powerful, and meaningful... those are just a few of the words to describe my trip. I will be posting and sharing more later but since my guest blogger did not follow through while I was gone... I thought I better post something soon. :) I love Ryan, for taking such good care of our biggest. I also need to say a big thanks to Ghee and Poppy for also loving and playing with Ty while I was gone. I truly appreciate your excitement and support during this new adventure with the Junior League. It is going to be a journey of growth and hope as I learn more about this wonderful organization and seek ways of bringing what I learn back to our amazing community. Thank you, Thank you.

Guest Blogger

I am in New Orleans for AJLI training so I have asked Ryan to be my guest blogger for me while I am gone. If you do not hear from him let me know and I will make sure he does his blog. :)

I don't have a famous blog or anything I just like when Ryan writes. :) I thought you might it enjoy it as well.

I love and miss my BOYS so much.

Birthday Blessings

Look at that precious Baby. Zoe will always be Landry's girlfriend in my eyes.

Last Saturday we go to celebrate sweet Sadie's life. She is such a precious 3 year old and we are so blessed that she is on our life. Tyler loves Sadie and her little sister Zoe so much. Oh course, we love their parents! We truly are thankful for our wonderful friends and we love being able to celebrate the lives of such precious friends.

Landry's Crib

I just found out this Morning that Landry's crib has its first patient in it..... a little boy. I find that to be a perfect fit for today, as we remember our littlest celebrating 6 months in Heaven today.

Tears fell when I read this email today. Thank you, Cindy for being such a blessing to me and my family. I am so thankful you had the opportunity to meet Landry.

Called and Chosen

Called:
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." Jeremiah 1:5 Chosen:
Even before I was born, God had chosen me to be His." Galatians 1:15

Today you slipped away from us and we long to have you with us but God called you Home. One day we will be able to spend eternity with you and for that I am thankful.

We will love you always and forever, Landry.

6 Balloons

This evening we did our 6 month balloon release for Landry. We had to do it a day late because Ryan had basketball games last night. It was a beautiful evening to release balloons to Heaven. Poppy joined us and we missed Ghee but she is in Dallas visiting a good friend. I still can't believe that Landry would have been a half of year old. This month has really been hard on me......

Tyler's prayer before our release: Dear God, Thank you for Landry.

We love you and miss you, Landry James. Tomorrow you will be celebrating 6 months in Heaven and your big brother, Tyler will be 3 1/2.

What a special bond my 2 boys will always share. I am blessed to be the Mom of two boys.

Landry's Remembrance Gallery #3

Yesterday when I went to Landry's Grave Site I saw these beautiful flowers and a special card. I was brought me tears that someone was thinking Landry on his 6 month Birthday. Landry has made such a impact in our community and when ever I see that someone was visiting our littlest means so much to me. Thank you, Thank you, for loving us and for loving Landry. I truly am humbled and amazed daily by the beautiful friends that we have in our life.
This flower/beautiful gift marks the 3rd picture in Landry's Remembrance Gallery. I love this.

6 months ago

Six months ago on this day my water broke and Ryan and I were about to become parents all over again. I would finally get to see the face I had been dreaming about for the past 9 months. Today I am left wondering what your face would look like, what kind of smile you would have, wondering what your laughter would sound like, and if you you would be a pro at sitting up by yourself.

6 month after you were born I am left wondering about what and who you would be.

Today my arms and heart ache and long to have the most beautiful brown eyed boy I had ever seen with us once again.

Landry James, I loved carrying you and giving birth to you. You were absolutely beautiful and amazing the first time we heard your cry and saw your face. We will love you always and forever. I know there are so many more words to say but I will end with thanking God for choosing me to be Landry's Mommy.

" For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm: 139: 13,14

Phone Calls To Heaven

Tyler: I need to call, Landry.
Me: You do? What are you going to say to him?
Tyler: Hello, Landry... ok.... Bye
Me: What did he say?
Tyler: I need to go get him (so he ran around the corner and when he came back he was holding a pretend baby in his arm) Here you go, Mommy. You can hold Landry.
Me: Thank you, Tyler (I take Landry in my arms).
Tyler: Does Landry have a Mommy in Heaven?
Me: No, your Mommy is Landry's Mommy
Tyler: Oh, Does Landry have a Daddy in Heaven?
Me: No, your Daddy is Landry's Daddy
Tyler: Oh, who takes care of him?
Me: God, our Heavenly Father is taking care of Landry until we can get to Heaven to be with him .

Tyler went on after that but I love how he sometimes includes his Little Brother in his role playing. It had been a while since Tyler had done this type of role playing so I had to hold back the tears when he called Landry, a few days ago. What a beautiful Big Brother who loves his Little Brother so much. I am so blessed they were able to meet.

Saturday

Ryan is back in class today for the first time in over month and I find myself falling apart and my heart is hurting so badly today. I truly loved our weekends with him. I want Ryan home and I want Landry with us. At this moment I am longing for Heaven.....
Sometimes the pain is so strong and the tears just flow. I was trying to think if there are any other triggers that are making today so hard and I came up with a few: Birthday Party this afternoon for a close friend. Ever since Landry, Birthday Parties have been really hard, maybe it is seeing all the families together and knowing in my heart that there is someone missing. They are just hard and I never really feel like myself when we are there, and this family attends a lot of parties these days. Monday is Landry's 6 month Birthday. I can't believe how fast it is going... I am having a hard time grasping 6 months. Well, I guess there are always triggers when you loose a child.
Well, it is time to put on my big girl face and prepare the rest of our day.

Junior League

On Tuesday evening the Junior League had there monthly General Membership Meeting. This was a big meeting to attend because we were voting on Slate (Board Members and Nominating and Placement) for the 2011-2012 League year.
I joined JLBC in the Spring of 2006 and I got hooked right away. I never really thought of myself as a leader but when asked to Co-Chair one our big Signature Project (Divine Desserts raising money- I helped raised $40,000 for the Children's Advocacy Center my second year with the league. From that moment on I wanted to do more and find more ways to lead. I served as Provisional Co-Chair, Membership VP, and currently Secretary.
Late October I got a call from Nominating and Placement stating they wanted to take me out to dinner. That night brought me so much joy and I was truly happy and honored that I was asked to serve as President Elect for the 2011- 2012 year and then President for the 2012-2013 league year. My husband thinks I can't keep a secret..... I think I did really well with this one.
It is going to be challenge but I am so ready to serve JLBC and continue to strive for excellence when it comes to serving in our community. Thank you JLBC for allowing me this amazing opportunity.
Ryan forgot that I had a meeting... so Tyler came and helped me with the Projector. He was a good helper why we waited for Daddy.

Slate and Nominating and Placement: Nicole, Angie, Me, Pam, Heather, Meredith, and Lacy

First order of business for JL President Elect Elect.... Attend the AJLI Winter Leadership Conference in New Orleans next Wednesday-Sunday with the President Elect. It feels wonderful to be filled with Joy and Hope. I am going to strive to work as hard as I can to give back this wonderful organization that has done so much for my family this year.

Doughnuts For Dads

This Morning Tyler's school hosted a Doughnuts for Dads. As soon as I heard about this event I contacted Ryan to make sure he could be there for a fun Morning with Tyler. We have been talking about this Morning all week and Tyler loved telling everyone that his Daddy was going to take him to school. This Morning was a first for Ryan.... due to Ryan's work schedule he can never take Tyler to school.
I loaded my two boys up and sent them on their way why I got ready to hit the gym. I called Ryan later in the Morning to see how everything went and he said that Tyler had a lot of fun but when it came time for Ryan to leave, our biggest was in tears. Ryan told me that it really broke his heart and that he was in tears, too. I love those boys.
Thank you Ryan for spending the Morning with Tyler at school. I know he loved it just as much as you did.
I love this picture that was taken at the school. The following two were taken at home getting all ready to go to school and work.

Ryan goes back to A&M tomorrow for his first class of the Spring Semester. I really got used to our family Saturdays. Thankfully, we have a Birthday tomorrow afternoon so I bet we will stay busy.

Homesick

I miss those eyes and that face so much tonight. There is nothing special about today but all I know is that I am missing you so much.
Landry, thank you for that special moment that we got to share together when you opened your eyes and looked straight in to my eyes. I remember telling you that had the most beautiful brown eyes.. just like your Mommy, Uncle Justin, and Poppy. It was only for a little bit, but I will treasure that moment as long as I live. We will always have a special bond you and I.

Holden Uganda

I really want to go to Uganda and see these faces and get a picture with them in front of Landry's Well and all the other life-saving Wells, with beautiful names of Hope Babies on them.

On Monday I logged on to Facebook to see these beautiful faces getting water from a Well that has Landry's name on it. I was over come with tears because I hate that there has to be a Holden Uganda and so many Wells with babies names that were only apart of this world for such a short a time but then there were tears knowing that all of these Wells are going to save so many lives.

I love knowing that so many children are going to get water from Landry's Well everyday. Oh, Landry has not only made a impact at home but all over the world. Our Landry James is changing and saving so many lives. That to me is the most beautiful gift that anyone could give. I am smiling as I am typing this because I carried and brought this precious gift in to the world. Landry, you are touching so many lives. We are so proud of you. You are doing so much good and I am amazed to hear how others have changed because of you.

Thank you, Thank you Holden Uganda and Sarah and Chet Erwin for giving our Littlest such a precious gift. Sarah and Chet lost their first born, Holden Newell on August 28, 2010. Holden was born sleeping. I have had the opportunity to get to know Sarah and she is a true blessing. I love that I will be in her presence in 2 weeks. It will be a special reunion with Sarah, and so many other Hope Mommies.

If you want to learn more about Holden Uganda please click here. holdenuganda@blogspot.com

Kindermusik

Tyler started his first Kindermusik class on Tuesday at the University of Mary Hardin Baylor. This is where I graduated from College and I spent a lot of time in Presser Hall so I had to get a picture of Tyler in front it.
Tyler was very excited about walking in and then he got a little apprehensive when we walked in to the room because he thought I was going to leave him. I did have to leave him in that room for a a little bit but the parents just sit right out side the door. Tyler cried when I left because it was a new place and that is usually what he does but then I heard some drums and the music come on..... after that there was a bunch of squeals and noise. I knew he would love it. For the last minutes of class we were able to go in and do a few activities and songs with them.... I loved it just as much as Tyler did. It also helped that we both had friends in class. Tyler brought home a back back pack filled with a CD and a instrument. We have been practicing and listening to the CD non stop since Tuesday. Thank you Ghee and Poppy for a wonderful Christmas Gift. I know Tyler is going to have a great semester. I think I will, too.

Tyler showing off his back pack and then of course I had to get a picture with his buddy, Luke.

One Balloon

This picture has nothing to do with my post but this picture makes me smile and Ryan pointed out to me that it has been a while since I had pictures of Tyler... I do love these boys so much.

We were at the grocery store today and on our way out the door one of the checkers gave Tyler a balloon. Usually he loves getting balloons from HEB because of the sucker attached to the bottom. However, this one did not have one. As we were pushing our cart out to the car to load up the groceries, Tyler said he did not want his balloon. I asked him if he wanted to send it to Heaven and he loved that idea. So we stood by our car and watched the white balloon float up in the sky. Ty looked at me and said "It is going to see Landry." I love our biggest and his sweet heart and how balloons have become apart of our healing process.

I am so excited Tyler is starting Kindrmusik today. He was supposed to start last Tuesday but he was sick. I hope he loves it. Music has always been a big part of my life and I love sharing that passion with Tyler. I hope he likes it.. I know I will. :)

Martin Luther King Jr.

I have been thinking about MLK Jr today and I was just sharing with Ryan that MLK Jr. stood up for what he believes in and I was thinking about our similarities with him during this Season of our life. We have chose during this difficult time in our life to stand tall and put all of our trust and hope in God. Through all of this heartache that we have been dealt this year we continue to pray and cry out to our Heavenly Father and I know that we will be filled with HOPE and JOY.

Romans 5:1-11
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! 10 For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Landry's Neonatal Crib Dedication

On Tuesday, January 4, 2011 was Landry's Crib Dedication at Scott and White Hospital in Temple, Texas. The Junior League of Bell County raised $2900.00 in Memory of Landry. We split up the donation and gave a $1,000 to Ryan's school Library at Westphalia ISD and the rest went to purchase a Neonatal Crib for the NICU. The Memorial was beautiful, but bittersweet at the same time. The reception was held on The 4th floor in the waiting room where I spent a lot time with Tyler after Landry was born. I had never been back to the NICU since we left the afternoon of July 26 with out our littlest. We did go back to the Labor and Delivery area to see Zoe King when she made her arrival a few weeks after Landry was born. I remember shaking on my way down the hall.
The dedication was filled with several amazing league member, friends, and family. My dear friend, Pam that has truly been my rock and because of our friendship she created this Memorial for our Landry James. Pam said a few words and then Ryan and I decided to ask my Dad to share few words since Landry is Poppy's namesake and he sat with Landry all night in the NICU when the Doctors and Nurses were trying to find out what was wrong with Landry and fighting to save him. All of the words they spoke were beautiful, honest, and meaningful. Ryan and I got up at the end to share a few words about Landry's blankets which I already posted about. The memorial ending with the Director of the CMN and Children's sharing her thanks for Landry's gift. What a beautiful boy and I am so humbled that God allowed me to carry this blessing. I will praise the One that chose me to carry you.
I saw several faces that will be forever etched in my mind. My Doctor who delivered both my boys, my Labor and Delivery Nurse, two NICU nurses who will always hold a special place in my heart, and finally the Doctor who worked so hard on Landry and then he spoke the words to us that turned our lives upside down.
I told Cindy when she was taking our blankets back to the NICU that I wanted to go with her. I am so thankful for my close friends Jen and KC for going with me. Seeing that Hallway and walking down the hallway that changed our lives forever. I remember looking at the floor and remembering how many times I walked up and hallway barefoot. We turned the corner to the hallway that was ours for 43 hours. ... it was filled with several tears, hugs, family, friends, and cupcakes for Tyler's birthday. I walked in to room that we held and rocked Landry. I immediately walked over to the rocking chair where I spent several hours with our beautiful boy. It felt good but the tears fell, after that I walked in the NICU to deliver the blankets and I saw the area where Landry was when we decided to take him off all the machines. That NICU hallway has changed my life forever but it also gave me some beautiful memories that have shaped and molded me forever.
Thank you Junior League of Bell County for Honoring Landry and my family.

Landry's Blankets

Of course I brought pictures of Landry

I am in love with this crib and plaque that will be placed on the Landry's crib.I get goose bumps thinking of a little baby in this crib.

Amy, Stacie, Me, and Pam. Most amazing JL members around.

Thank you to everyone that shared in this day with us and especially Ryan's sister for driving in just for the Memorial. We are so thankful for all of you and everything you have done for our family the past 5 1/2 months.

Tears to Laughter

This morning I was scheduled to be at the Second Hand Rose at 10 am to meet the potential members of Junior League and share with them about my league experience and a little bit about me. That always seems to take a little longer now that I have a little boy in Heaven......
Westphalia had a basketball tournament in town today so Ryan took Ty with him to the first game at 9am. When my boys left the house the house I was overcome with sadness.... I thought about how different we thought this Saturday would be. I always thought when I was pregnant with Landry that any Saturday that Ryan was home and not in class that we would each take one of the boys and do something fun with them. As I sat on the sofa in tears this morning I was missing Landry because it just would have been us for a couple of hours this morning. Some days it really hits me hard that what we had planned on this year did not happen and it leaves me with a empty feeling.
I felt a little more at ease and filled with peace when I got the the Second Hand Rose. My friends that I have met through the league never left my side after Landry and they are still checking on me and the thing I love most is they love talking about Landry and I know they get it.... Landry and his Memorial were a big topic of our Morning, I love hearing others say Landry's name. Thank you JLBC.
The rest of our afternoon was filled with basketball... Ty had a blast and I loved watching him running and trying to play with all the teams... However, I think he over did just a little because he was so tired and drained by 4:30.... Luckily we were able to keep him awake until 7pm... A little earlier than normal but close enough to bed time. Something is still not right...this sickness has taken a toll on all of us.
Tonight as I was reading to Tyler before bed he looked at me and said..... I want Ivan Ulz... I said you want to read Fire Truck....yes, by Ivan Ulz. I always add the Authors name to the title of any book I read to Tyler... I guess he is listening. I needed that laugh at the end of our day. I love how you can go from tears to laughter at any given moment.

HOPE

The word Hope has become a daily part of my vocabulary for the past five and 1/2 months. As many of you know I am a part of special Moms group and we all have one thing in common. We have babies in Heaven. I am so thankful for each and everyone of these ladies who inspire and encourage me daily. In 3 weeks I will be in the presence of these wonderful Moms.

I can't tell you how much it helps knowing that I am not alone on this journey. I love you all so much. I hate that we had to meet under these circumstances but I am so thankful that our paths crossed when they did because I have changed because of you and our special friendships. I know it will be a wonderful weekend filled with God's Love.

I am still not sure what I am thinking about MaryBeth inspiring us to start running...what about walking. :) My running shoes will be packed and I will run my heart out next to my Hope Mommies.

This Week

Tyler has been sick since Tuesday so I have been spending a lot time cuddling a little boy that is usually to busy to cuddle so I have been taking advantage of our "cuddle days". A part of me has really enjoyed our sick days at home but then apart me realized how much my arms have ached for Landry.
I have always hated when Ty is sick but this time the feelings have been harder. It is amazing the affects of burying a child have on you. I am a different person in the way I view things.... However, I am ok with that.
Tyler has been waking up in the middle of the night and last night as we were watching Curious George at 2am waiting for the medicine to kick in I realized how nice it felt that someone needed me in the middle of the night... But my heart also ached thinking that I should be awake with Landry.... When ever you are expecting a baby you are consumed with not getting any sleep and when you come home with out your little one that was supposed to be waking up because they needed you it is hard to go to sleep a night knowing that you will not hear the cry of a hungry baby... So last night when a little boy needed me it made me feel wanted but it was also a reminder that someone is missing.
Ty had a better today but we will be hanging low again tomorrow. As much as I love the cuddles I want my biggest back, because then I will know that everything is ok.

Wordless Wednesday- Brothers

My heart aches when I see this picture and I can't seem to find any words to post.
I did attend my first funeral today since Landry's funeral and it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I guess that is why I am left with a aching heart this evening.

Run Like The Wind

Tyler loves to pretend that our dogs are characters from Toy Story. Copper is usually Bullseye and the other day he put his Woody doll on Cooper and shouted. "Run like the wind Bulls Eye". Abbie occasionally is the Dr. Evil Pork chop.... It puts a smile on my face knowing that Tyler loves and adores our dogs just as much as we do and I am also thankful that the dogs love and adore him. I always wonder what Landry would have thought of our two dogs...

This post made me realize that we may watch Toy Story a little too much.... :)

One Single Rose

I brought the rose home and put it in some water and put it by our washer and dryer. I will love doing laundry today because of this special gift.

I commented last week on one of my blogs that someone went and put a red carnation on Landry's grave site. Well, I went back yesterday and I noticed a beautiful yellow rose. I spotted it as I walking to Landry's site and my heart leapt. Tears immediately filled my eyes as I was humbled that someone was remembering our littlest. Seeing that rose and carnation are a reminder that their are dear friends that are still remembering and loving Landry. I don't know who you all are but I love you and Thank you for bringing Landry and us such a special gift that we will never forget.

Today I went back so I could take a picture. I have decided that every time Landry receives a special gift on his grave site I will start a gallery for them. Each post will be titled Landry's Remembrance Gallery.... I might think of a better name between now and then. :) I have noticed this done on other sites from Mom's who have lost babies and I truly love it.

Thank you, Thank you. Today has reminded how blessed I am to have a special boy that has touched so many lives. I love you Landry James and the special gift you have brought to our life and the lives of others.

Landry's Gift

During Christmas when family members were asking me I what I wanted for Christmas I kept thinking I really don't want anything... stuff was not mind. Then I started thinking about the NICU staff at S&W and how much I truly appreciate each and everyone of the Nurses and Doctors that worked to save Landry's life. I know for a fact they were hoping for a different outcome just like we were.
Therefore, I decided to contact the NICU Nurse that was wanting a different outcome and fought so hard for Landry. Cindy, is the Nurse that came and got Landry from our Labor and Delivery room to take him to the NICU. Cindy and I grew up together but it took Landry to bring our paths together again, and for that I am truly thankful.
Cindy mentioned that they love receiving blankets for the babies. Receiving blankets is all that came to mind after I heard that so I decided that I did not want anything for me but I did want blankets to take to the NICU..... Ryan's family sure did come through for us (Ryan wanted the same thing) we had bags full of little tiny blankets that will be used to give some tiny baby warmth and hopefully a blanket that the family will get to take their beautiful blessing home in.
I wrapped the blankets and put a copy of "Landry's Letter" in each gift. The ribbon from Hobby Lobby reminded of Landry's room so I knew that is the ribbon I wanted. We took the gifts to the Hospital with us on Tuesday for Landry's Dedication. Ryan and I spoke at the end (do not ask me what I said because I don't remember). It is amazing the strength that God will give you when you need it the most. The part that I will cherish is when I walked in to NICU with Cindy and two close friends to deliver the blankets. Bittersweet is the only way to describe it.
My desire is that the blankets touch so many lives just as our life was changed when Landry joined our family. Landry will always be apart of us and my hope is that the gift that Landry brought to my life will help give warmth and comfort to a little tiny miracle in need of a special gift. Landry was a special gift to me and I truly love sharing his gift with others.

Hot Dog Buns

I had my Friday Morning all planned out: I was going to take Tyler to School, Exercises, visit Landry's grave site and come home and take care of some much needed cleaning. Just as I was walking out to get us loaded up in the car I got a call from Ryan telling me that he needed me to run to HEB and get 13 dozen Hot Dog Buns and bring them out to Westphalia ASAP. There goes my Morning, I thought..... I dropped off Tyler and made my way to pick up the Hot Dog Buns. I made the 20 minute drive out to Ryan's School and on my way I realized that I was in need of some time to myself and my thoughts. Driving is always a good time to talk to God, too. I truly was enjoying the drive and the music that filled my car. Dropping off the Hot Dog buns also gave me the opportunity to see Ryan and sneak a kiss...... that is always worth the trip.
Once home I made my stop at the cemetery to spend some more quiet time with God and it truly was a beautiful Morning outside that I just sat and enjoyed the peaceful surroundings. After that I was going to head home but then there was that little voice in my head telling me that I need to run... since I missed my work out at the gym I decided to stop at the walking trail by our house and go for a run... well in my case I think there was more walking than running. I will explain more about my need to start running in another post. I still made it home to get some chores done and also chat on the phone with two precious friends that always make my day a little better. I was pleased with all I got done before 11:30 when it was time to go get Tyler. Once we got home Tyler and I spent our afternoon outside playing, racing on bikes, and jumping on the trampoline.... there our days when you just have to put all the chores and work aside and truly enjoy the company. Friday was one of the best days I have had in a while...
Some times the best laid plans are the ones that we don't plan out. Thank you Westphalia for having a Hot Dog Bun Crisis.... I love the day that it provided for me and Tyler.

5 Balloons

We went and spent some time with Landry on December 26th and when we walked up I saw this beautiful red carnation by Landry's site and I was blown away that someone went to see our Landry (I know he is not there but I loved that someone was there and remembering Landry, what a beautiful and precious gift). Thank you, Thank you.
We did not get any pictures of Tyler with the balloons because when were about to take his picture he tripped and released the balloons... :)

My precious, Dad.... I love this Man so much and his strength and unending love is amazing and powerful. Thank you, Dad for loving me.

On December 26, 2010 we did our 5 month Balloon release for Landry. We have done this every month on Landry's Birth date (24th) since we were not home on the 24th we did Landry's balloon release on the 26th (Landry's Heaven day). I feel the need to explain the meaning behind our balloon releases.

We tried really hard to protect Tyler after Landry went to Heaven because we knew that he would not understand it all. Therefore, we did not have him at the Funeral Home the evening of the visitation and he did not come to the funeral service with us. He was at the church thw day of the fuberal, but he was playing with all of his friends and cousins in his Mother's Day Out Room. Some of my amazing friends arranged there to be child care provided for all the little ones... truly thankful for that.

Therefore, we were trying to find something that might help Tyler understand that his little brother is in Heaven and that is his new home. When ever we were at the florist the day of the visitation trying to find the perfect flowers for Landry's visitation and funeral.... that all still seems a little cruel to me because I should of been planning Landry's first Birthday instead of planning a funeral. Anyway... when we were at the florist Ryan mentioned doing a balloon release at the the the end of the grave site burial.... we all loved that idea and when the florist asked how many balloons Ryan immediately said 43 because that he the number of hours Landry was with our family.

We did decide to take Tyler to the grave site burial because we wanted him to be apart of the balloon release and looking back on it now it was one of the most special times for me. Tyler sat on my lap the whole time and I loved the feeling of him in my arms. When ever it was time to do the balloon release we gave a whole bunch of balloons to Tyler, close friends, and family and after we said the prayer and sent the balloons to Landry in Heaven it was so peaceful and you could not hear a sound until Tyler shouted Woo Hoo.... we all started laughing and I was in awe by Tyler who had the biggest smile on his face and was staring up in the sky as our 43 balloons floated away. Ever since that day we have decided to do a balloon release with Tyler at Landry's grave site on the birth date of Landry.... on July 24th of this year we will release 12 balloons and on July 26th we will release 43 balloons for Tyler on his Birthday and Landry's Heaven day. Every year on July 26th we will release 43 balloons in honor of our two boys.

I love that we found a special way for Tyler to remember his little brother who I know would have been his best friend......

Sadness

I have been taken over with this huge amount of sadness and pain for the past two days. What was it? Did going back to the NICU and seeing the place where I had to say good bye and leave with out our Landry spark something? I guess there is nothing else to say but, I miss him and long for him to be in my arms again.

Tears have taken over and I can't type anything else....

Guitar Hero

Tyler's favorite part of Christmas was his Guitar and Scooter. As first he was a little disappointed that Santa forgot the tractor that he wanted... bad, Santa. :)
I am so thankful for this little guitar and the boy who loves music because he really helped a sad Mommy on Christmas day.