Fears

So I have developed certain fears ever since we lost Landry. We took our nephew Caleb home this afternoon and all day I thought about calling to see if he could stay longer because I did not feel like I was ready to be alone and just the 3 of us again. I kept wondering if we were going to be ok but I know that we are going to be ok, because it has just been the three of us for a while. Some days I am just scared to be alone because I never know what the day is going to bring and how I am going to be physically and mentally.

I have also started staying up later at night because I have a fear of falling asleep and knowing that when I wake up it is just another day with out Landry. It is also a fear of what the day will hold for us and how will I handle everything. Sometimes I wake up in the middle longing to be awake taking care of my littlest. I long to be be tired because I was up all night with a newborn. I want that feeling again so bad that it hurts.

A Good Distraction

As I mentioned earlier Ryan's Sister, Shana cam in to town on Friday with her two kids Callie and Caleb. Ty loved playing with his cousins and we sure did have fun swimming, riding bikes, and playing at the park. Ty and Caleb were not ready to say good-bye on Sunday so we asked Caleb if he wanted to spend a couple of days with us. Caleb has been a distraction for us and I know Ty has been having blast. It will be hard to say good-bye tomorrow afternoon. We will have to have our Cousins come stay with us more often.
Ty still headed to School this Morning and Caleb spent the Morning playing with Ty's trains so I could sit and talk to my good friend, Kassie. We had Starbucks and just talked. God always seems to know what we need.

Better Day

Today is new day! So many people keep telling me how strong I am and most of the time I feel like I am strong but then there are days and even some moments when I feel like I am barely holding on. But, I think it is normal to feel mad and sad and I don't see that as a weakness I see it as growth. I see my anger as a positive thing because it is strengthening my relationship with God and even Ryan. I continue to be amazed at how close Landry brought us together, and for that I am thankful.

Every Morning when I go and get Ty I say to him "This is the day the Lord has made we will rejoice and be glad in it. " I know that God is our comfort and he knows the pain that I am feeling and he will in time mend my broken heart.

Left Out

One of Ryan's Sister's came in to town this weekend with her two kids and Ty has been having a great time with his cousins. I will admit having them here for two nights is really a great distraction for us and for that I am thankful.
However, tonight I feel left out and longing for my Brother and Landry. Ryan and his Sister are outside sharing childhood memories and I was sitting there listening to them and then it hit me that I will never have the opportunity to share all my childhood memories with my Brother, Justin. Justin has been gone for 20 years and I still miss him like crazy and wish that I had that Brother and Sister relationship back.
Therefore, I came in side because I was starting to long for Landry, too. If he was here I would be too busy checking on him or sleeping...... I know at times when I feel like this I should think of all the joy I have but I just can't do it right now. To be honest I feel really mad right now!!! Why did my Brother and Son have to be taken from me? I just don't understand and tonight I am left here with so many questions.

One Month

Tuesday marked Landry's one month Birthday so we decided to get one balloon to release at Landry's grave site. We released 43 balloons (the number of hours that Landry with us) at Landry's burial. It was so beautiful and it is a way that we can involve Ty, so we will get a balloon for every month to release in honor of Landry. The night was perfect because we shared it with my parents. What a wonderful blessing to have my parents close and that they understand my pain is even more precious to me.
Of course I could not leave the Card and Party store with out getting Landry his own personalized balloon that is still flying high.

Our Biggest

I feel that I have not mentioned our wonderful little boy that continues to bring so much joy to our life. One of Ty's favorite things to do these days are ride his big boy bike that he got for his Birthday. It took him some time to get used to it but last Saturday he figured it all out and now he has not stopped riding it. I praise God everyday for Ty and hug and hold him tight every chance that I get.
I have so many thoughts and emotions right now about our loss and how it has changed our life that sometimes I focus so much on getting that out that I forget to mention the little boy that is here on earth with us making us laugh and realize that there is a God and he will carry us through this time and fill us with hope again.Thank you for continuing to read our journey and all of your comments I love and appreciate them. This blog has become very therapeutic for me and I wish I had all the time the world to write.
I took Ty to School this Morning and he is still doing great, so that makes me proud. After drop off I went to see Landry and I just cried and really have not stopped. My tears just keep falling and my heart is hurting. My whole body aches to have Landry here with me. I was so excited about having a newborn and now my heart and arms are left empty.

Goddaughter

I would like to introduce you all to our Goddaughter, Zoë Anabelle. Our dear friends Whitney and Stephen King blew us away last night when they asked if we would be Zoë's Godparent's. We both feel very honored and blessed to have been asked.
Whitney and I shared a special bond this year because we were both pregnant with our second children and our due dates were weeks apart. I already had Landry a girlfriend before he was born. We even shared a Baby Shower together. Needless to say this family is very close to us and they stood right by our side during our short time with Landry. Zoë was born on August 11th and of course we were right there at the Hospital after she was born. I will admit going to the hospital and and holding Zoë were very hard for me but that is what friends do. We are there for one another during the worst and best times. And now every time I hold that precious tiny girl I don't want to let her go.
Last night was also a great night for me because I spent the evening with some of the most amazing women in this world. I would not be able to get through these past few weeks if it were not for our amazing friends that call, text, write, hug me, cry with me, visit, and even go to Landry's grave site with me so I can water his flower. God is good!
We will love our Goddaughter with our whole heart and treasure her always. Let the spoiling begin!! I can't wait.

Gone Too Soon

One month ago today Landry James went to Heaven. This Morning my whole body aches for that sweet boy and I can't stop crying. I wish I could go to Heaven and bring him back. I hate the thought that I will never get to see all of his firts. I am still blown away by how much this one little boy impacted our life and the life of others in such a short time.

Landry passed away on Tyler's 3rd Birthday. However, I see it as Joy mixed with sorrow. Looking in to Tyler's face everday brings me complete joy and for that I am thankful.

Blown Away

God has blessed me with the most amazing friends!!! I was blown away tonight.............................................. stay tuned.

I Will Carry You

I found myself questing God today. I broke down this Morning at Bible Study because I want to know why God took my Brother and now my Son from me? I know it is not right for me to question God but sometimes the pain seems too much to handle. I found this song and video today written by Selah :www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o
The lyrics that keep going through my head right now state "I will praise the one who's chosen me to carry you". The song is based on the book " I Will Carry You".
Thank you Landry for allowing me to carry you for 9 months. I loved your kicks and hiccups. I am so thankful that I got to hold you and kiss your beautiful body. I will love you always and forever.

Teacher's Pet

Yesterday marked the First Day of school for Ryan so Sunday he had a lot of last minute work that needed to get done at work. Therefore, I thought it would be nice to tag along and help Ryan with his work! Ty was very excited about going to Daddy's School, too. Ever since Ryan and I started dating I would always help him prepare for his day. Ryan is teaching two classes this year (like I stated in an earlier post Ryan has a lot of jobs in Westphalia). So the majority of our afternoon was spent getting his classroom ready. There happened to be an empty room for him this year. Now Ryan has a classroom and an office! I was in the charge of the bulletin board and keeping Ty from destroying things.
I think Ty's favorite part was playing with his friend Madison (she was up there helping her Daddy prepare for his first day of teaching) and petting the Chinchilla in Mr. Vaught's classroom. We had a great time being together as a family and I certainly felt a since of peace while we were there. I treasure my family so much and certainly feel blessed to have such a wonderful husband and two beautiful boys.
My Prayer is that Ryan has a wonderful year and achieves all the success that he deserves! I know yesterday and today were hard for Ryan and I am thankful for the afternoon phone call I received from him yesterday afternoon. I broke down in tears when Ryan told me he was having a hard day and missing our littlest. Thank you Ryan for calling me yesterday and I am so thankful we could talk if only for a few minutes. You are best and I love you always and forever.

Missing This Face

A month ago today we welcomed Landry James in to our family. We had him for 43 wonderful hours. It is amazing how much this face shaped and formed us in such a short time.

Random Acts of Kindness

Last week we were at our Mall play area with a friend of mine and her little boy. I was telling Maggie all about Landry when out of the blue this woman, or possibly an Angel sat down across from me and stated that you do not know me but I am thinking and praying for your family. She stated that they go to our Church and sit a few rows behind us and Ryan was also her Summer School Principal a few years ago. After we talked she hands me this book that she went and bought and the Book Store when she saw me at the play area. I was blown away by her kindness that I had goose bumps. I have actually heard of this book because I follow this Author's blog: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/ Every time I see the book on our desk it reminds me that there is a God and he his watching over during this time. I know that I will have hard days and good days but it is all a part of the grieving process. I have not started reading book because I am just not ready. There are still a lot of steps I have to take.
A few weeks ago my parents had an envelope taped to our day our names on it so she brought it to us and when I opened it there was a note that said "May our Lord Jesus Christ.... and God our Father comfort your hearts." 2 Thessalonians 2:16,17 (RSV) we also found $300.00 in it. However, there was no name. Yesterday we were walking out of church and this woman comes over to me and states that she does not know me but she has been following our blog and she gave me hug and stated that she has been praying for us. Thank you God for all of these random acts of kindness and the love of strangers. You are following us through this dark time and for that I praise You.

Heavy Heart

My Morning started with a heavy heart. Ryan was up getting all ready for his first day and I noticed that he did not have his lucky boxers on (sorry if that is TMI). Ryan has a pair of boxers that he has always worn on important days: first day of school, TAKS testing, Wedding Day, Ty's birth, and Landry's birth. I asked Ryan yesterday if he was going to wear them this Morning but he was not sure, and when I woke up this Morning he did not have them on and I just started crying. The pain is still so real for me and it just hurts that every morning when I wake up it is another reminder that Landry is not with us. I walk by Landry's room every Morning when I go get Ty out of bed and my body wishes I could open up that door and go cuddle my littlest.
I sent Ryan off this Morning for his first day of School and then I got Ty ready for his second day of School. After I dropped Ty off I went to the grave site to be with my sweet Landry James and just kept thinking that this is not how it was supposed to be.

First Day of School

Today marked the first day of School for Ty. We are at a new school this year so it was a big Morning for us. I felt very weak when I woke up so I told Ryan to give me hug and pray that I have strength to get through this Morning. I was in tears while making our bed because I was weak and my heart ached for Landry to be with us.
Ty of course looked so handsome in his school uniform. I love that we don't have to decide what to put on. Ty was in a good mood this Morning and we were out the door before 7:45am! Ty will be in school every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday Morning. Ty walked right in the door and headed straight to his room (open House really made an impact on Ty because he remembered where to go). We found his name on the hook outside of his classroom door and Ty put his back pack on the hook and walked straight in with out even looking to see if I was coming! I was shocked and so proud! I could have left and Ty would have been just fine but I felt that I should share with Ty's teacher about how we lost a baby 4 weeks ago, and she had heard about it and made me feel at ease about changes in Ty (potty training ( well pooh-pooh) has reversed since Landry). Mrs. McRae said that the majority of kids are going though a lot of changes with the start of a new year and also a new school. I just worry about Ty and don't want him to be hurting.
Ty had a wonderful first day and the only one that shed tears was his Mommy. Thanks to one of my besties for waiting and giving me a big hug and sitting outside to talk for a few minutes. I truly have the most amazing friends and I feel so blessed that God has put so many amazing people in our life that have not left our side during this difficult time. Ghee came with me to pick Ty up and he had a hug smile on his face and welcomed us with a big hug! What a wonderful feeling.
Today was just another reminder that God does not give us more than we can handle and his hands will carry me through these hard times. The tears that were shed today were tears of sorrow of and joy. Now we prepare for Ryan's first day of school. I still find myself wishing our life had changed but in a way it has not. Oh, how I wish I was excited about all the firsts but it just HURTS!!

Hustle

I broke down with Ryan when he got home last night and Ryan decided that Ty needed some "Daddy time" since Ty has really only seen Ryan for five minutes first thing in the Morning since Monday. Therefore, we ventured to Westphalia this Morning to watch watch Daddy and Mr. Mark coach Football practice (Ryan wears several hats at Westphalia). As soon as I got Ty out of the car he ran toward the field shouting "My Daddy, My Daddy". Ty was so excited and at first it was a challenge to keep him off the field but he finally stood on on the sideline and shouted "hustle, hustle". He always wanted to wear Ryan's whistle. This Morning was so good for the both us. We both had a much better day today so I think we both needed some Daddy time to make everything feel a little better.

Tomorrow Morning is a big Morning for Tyler because it marks the first day of school at his new school in the Young Learners Class. We have our uniform all ready and we said big prayers for a blessed Morning for both of us and a wonderful year! My heart still aches that Landry will not be going with me tomorrow to drop Ty off, but he will be in my heart and I know that God will be holding in the palm off his hand tomorrow during drop off. I just pray that day has a great day and adjusts to his new school smoothly.

Start Over

I wish I could hit a rewind button and do this week all over again or maybe a fast forward button would be nice. Ryan has been gone all day and then working late in the evenings so we have not seen much of him, and I have been trying to keep up with Ty. Therefore, today I had several meltdowns. My heart has just been aching all week and I am ready for the pain to go away that I times I find myself getting mad. I cried at Bible Study this Morning and I kept apologizing! I think I am trying to be too much right now.
So I am going to take a break tonight and refocus because I think Ty is sensing my moods and he has been acting out. I cried in front of him today and I told myself I would never do that. Hopefully my heart will feel better tomorrow but it has been a hard week.

Love

I don't think I say enough about what a wonderful Father, Tyler and Landry have. Ryan is the most hardworking, loving, kind man I have ever met. He loves me and our boy's so much. Ryan has shown so much strength during this time of loss that it truly amazes me.

Ryan is the Superintendent for Westphalia ISD so he never gets a break. I guess it should not surprise me that Ryan's school was rated Exemplary for the 2nd year in a row. I am so proud of Ryan and he is already hard at work this week getting his staff ready for another great school year. Ryan is such proud Father. He loves when I take Ty to his school, and Ty really loves it, too. I know he was so ready for me to bring Landry up to the school so he could show him off. Last Friday I had several pictures of Landry copied and framed, so Ryan asked me to bring them up to work so he could see them. As soon as I arrived he took the pictures from me and showed them off to everyone that was around. That is one proud Dad!!

I love Ryan. During the 43 hours we had with Landry I fell in love with Ryan all over again. We both were so emotional and our hearts were breaking but we never once stopped hugging, or making sure everything was ok. I have heard several times that a tragedy like this can tear a couple apart and I will not let that happen to us. If my parents can survive losing a son unexpectedly then I know we can do this. We hug, kiss, and hold hands a lot more now. Not that we stopped doing those things but we did not do them as often. I miss him a lot more when he is gone and love just being with him even if we sit in silence or cry. Thank you Ryan for loving me and our two boy's so much. It breaks my heart that Landry will never get to play ball with you and Ty. You are the best and I will always admire your strength.

I stated last night that I share a special bond with Ty because I know what it is like to lose a brother, well I forgot to mention my amazing parents. Sometimes my thoughts go so fast when I am writing that I forget things. I also share a bond with my parents now. They both are so amazing and they have so much love for me and Ryan and especially Tyler and Landry (Landry has his Poppy's name: Landry James). My parents have stated several times that they hate that I have to go through this heartache all over again, but they are going through it all over again, too. I am so thankful they are only a hug and shoulder away.

Ryan and I both have amazing parents that have been so wonderful during this time. They never left Landry's side either. Our parents deserve their own post and they will get it. Love is truly an amazing feeling.

Please Share

Our precious family of four was changed in an instant. We knew Landry for only a short time but he will live in our hearts and minds forever. Landry James will always be apart of us and our family.
I love reading other blogs and some that I read are friends and some are strangers. I have recently found some sites from Mother's who have have lost babies and have felt a connection to them. Therefore, if you feel the urge then please share our story and blog with others. My hope is that one day someone will click on our blog and be able to relate to our tragic journey.
I still have a lot more to share about our story and I will get their soon but please continue to read and comment.

This Hurts

I am not going to lie this hurts. Just when I think it is starting to get easier it seems to get harder. The pain is still so real. Today was just a hard day for me and all I could do was think of our sweet Landry and miss everything about him, like his little mouth that reminds so much of Tyler's. The whole nine months I carried Landry I dreamed and planned out this Fall for us and now it is all different and to be honest it really stinks!

I feel like I should be a pro at grieving but it seems all new to me. I lost my older and only Brother, Justin (Tyler has his middle name) in a car accident when I was 13. My whole life was shattered in a single moment and everything that was normal to me was all different. I did feel that I had to be so strong for my parents because I knew that they were hurting and I will say that a lot of times I feel like I have to be strong for Tyler. Tyler has also lost a Brother but he never will get the opportunity to play with him and he does not fully understand what happened to his Brother but he asks about him if he sees a picture or the Hospital, but then he moves on once we tell him he is in Heaven. We always tend to ask Ty where he is and he always tells us he is in Heaven and then he will say I want to go see him. I just love that little boy! For me I feel a special bond with Tyler because I do know what it is like to loose a Brother. The pain that I feel this time is a lot different, but in away it is the same because it still hurts and the pain can be unbearable at times. When we found out that Landry was not going to make I immediately pictured my brother holding his nephew in his arms and a felt a since of peace. I kept telling Landry that his Uncle Justin would be waiting for him when he was ready to go home. I constantly have to remind myself that Landry is safe in the arms of our heavenly Father and his Uncle. I have lost two precious brown eyed boys and they will always live in my heart and I am so thankful that I had them in my life if only for a short time.

Today was hard and I did not know if I would be ale to make it but this evening I walked while Ty rode his Big Wheel around the block and all I could do was stare at Ty and listen to the joy in his voice. At that time I was reminded that God does not give us more than we can handle and that God will bring us joy again.

School Supplies

Ryan's favorite favorite part of a new School year is all of the School supplies that are out in all the stores. Well, Tyler will be starting at a new School this year and he needed some school supplies for his class. Ryan was very excited to go shopping with us and of course I had to capture it on my camera! It is hard to believe that school will be starting very soon.

Open House

Tonight we attended Ty's Open House at his new School. Ty was very excited about wearing his new back pack filled with all of his school supplies. Ty walked right in with us and he was excited about finding his classroom and meeting his new Teacher. We drilled him on the car ride about what was the name of his new School and What was the name of his new Teacher? Of course he was a little shy when we introduced ourselves to her, or it was because he spotted the activity/center area with all the fun trucks and trains and was ready to go play. That is just what he did after he found his name on the "circle" rug. After we met his teacher we walked around the school and found some of our friends and then we headed to a fish fry at the School.
I thought about Ty's first day for a while but then when we arrived at the school today my heart ached for Landry. I had been anticipating Ty's first day for several months but I had always pictured Landry being with us. Ty will be in school three days a week in the Morning and that was going to be my time with Landry. Now it will just be me trying to find ways to keep busy. My heart is longing for my littlest. That is all I can say right now........

3 Weeks Ago

3 weeks ago I stared in to these beautiful brown eyes for the first time and today I'm sitting here longing to stare in to those beautiful eyes again.

Took My Breath Away

We drove to Hillsbro on Wednesday to meet Ryan's Dad/Papa and hand over Tyler until Sunday. I was very anxious about Ty leaving because he really is my support system these days and he keeps me busy. However, I know that Ryan's family need him during this time and he is surrounded by tons of loving arms and a lot of cousins to play with so he is having a great time. We both cried at drop off but Ty stopped crying before he left the parking lot, so basically Ty just likes to torture me.
Therefore, I have been keeping myself very busy and of course I have been surrounded by several wonderful friends who have been calling to check on me. Yesterday Morning I attended a New Bible that one of my friends told me about and I ended up seeing a lot of special women. It was truly a wonderful Morning and I can't wait to go back. I am still involved with my Wednesday Bible Study, but who says you can't attend more than one Bible Study?!? Yesterday afternoon I had the honor of meeting with a friend that I met through Junior League that lost her precious son in the delivery room in 2007. It felt so wonderful to talk with someone that understands what I am going through. I feel like we are apart of a special club. We spent 2 hours sharing our stories and she provided me with some much needed advice and guidance. I feel truly blessed that God brought this amazing Christian women in to my life.
After our talk I headed to Wal Mart to pick up a photo of Landry that I had special ordered. When the women handed me the 11x14 picture it literally took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful boy. I went to the grave site yesterday to spend some special time with my littlest. I just cried and cried and kept wanting him to be here with us. My heart is aching so much right now, but I know all the the pain and heart ache we are feeling will ease with time.
Last night another dear friend took me out dinner. It was very nice since Ryan had to work late. We talked for 2 hours and I loved being able to open up my heart and talk about Landry. I shared a lot about Landry and the journey we are on a lot yesterday, but I found it very therapeutic for me. Tears were included but laughter always followed. I am touched and blessed by the special friends that God has put in our life. Please don't hesitate to talk or ask us about Tyler or Landry. I love talking about both of my boys.
I still miss Tyler so much but I have been able to doing a lot of crying and grieving that I don't let myself do around Tyler. I am also enjoying my time with Ryan. However, he is super busy with work these days that he has not been around much. What an amazing and hard working man. I love you Ryan!