Moving Forward

You get a special guest author today...not that Holly is not interested in writing her blog, I just volunteered to write a post. Forgive me if I ramble a bit, but I just wanted to write a few things from the heart and I don't know where exactly that is going to lead me.

First of all, it's strange to me to not have anything posted on the blog the last couple of weeks. I often joke with Holly that she needs to write her blog because if she doesn't, I don't know what's going on in our lives. The blog has truly become a great way to chronicle the events in our lives, big and small. So I found it strangely ironic that the single biggest event that has happened to us as a family has gone unmentioned for two weeks.

To me, the sudden death of Landry has been somewhat surreal, as if he never existed. People tell us that in time everything will be back to normal, but Landry was not in our lives long enough to change what normal was (at least for me, I know that Holly carrying him for 9 months had a far greater effect for her than it has for me). It's as though the last 9 months never happened. We returned to normal so quickly that it feels like I'm trying to forget him. I'm not. I can't. I see his face everytime I look at my cell phone. But it has been so easy to slip back to a normality without him that I sometimes think I will forget him. Again, I know that impossible, but it still one of my fears.

He died on a Monday, two weeks from today to be exact. I remember that we were going to take him home the next day. Sitting and holding him, which is all we were doing in the hospital, could have been done just as easily at home, so I convinced Holly that if he survived the night, we were going to go home on Tuesday. I think one of the main reasons that I wanted to take him home was that I wanted to show him off. All parents are proud of their children. I didn't want Landry to think that somehow I was not proud of him, so I kept hoping that I could take him to work, to playgroups, to whereever I could to show him and shout to the world how proud I was. I knew that I had a limited amount of time, so I was going to have to do a lifetime's worth of bragging in just a few days. I'm proud of Tyler, but I cannot explain how proud I am that Landry fought and held on as long as he did. I was going to show him off to the world...I just ran out of time.

I guess that is why I was so happy that so many people came to visit us in the hospital. They came to comfort Holly, our family, and me, but I didn't really feel I needed their comfort. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated it, but that's not what I wanted at the time. I was glad people showed up so they could see my boy. That they could see how proud I was of him. That, to me, meant more than anything. More than any words, more than any hugs. That my family, friends, and loved ones could see how tough Landry was, how beautiful, and how proud I was, made his loss a little less tragic. People always say when grandparents and the older generation pass away that it's OK because they lived a long, happy life. Well, to me it was comforting to know that Landry was going to pass away with so many people knowing how loved he was and how proud we were of him. I wanted to celebrate his life, and I wanted to share him with as many people as possible.

So Holly and I have returned to normal, somewhat. Tyler will occassionally ask about him. When he sees my phone he calls Landry. I always ask Tyler how Landry is doing and Tyler always tells me he's good--and that he wants a popsickle (I knew that Landry would be Tyler's shadow, I just didn't realize that popsickles were so needed in heaven!). Tyler doesn't fully understand. Much like me, the existence of Landry was so fleeting that he never really felt a change in his life. Hopefully, he will understand one day how precious life is and how his brother Landry, though only here for a brief time, will always impact how we live our lives as a family.

I've stopped crying now. They come in bursts every now and then, whenever I linger too long a memory or when I think of how others feel about his passing. Whenever I compose myself I always want to begin thanking those who mean so much to Holly and me. If I show others how thankful we are it somehow makes it better for me. You have no idea how much the support of our friends and families has meant and continues to mean. I kind of feel like an actor who, while giving his acceptance speech at the Academy Awards, says there are too many people to think individually so he just thinks all of those who have helped his career. I understand that. There are too many thanks to give to start naming names, so I'll just say thank you to all who have shared kind words, prayers, hugs, tears, and everything else to have helped us through this time. Words cannot express how much you mean to us. Thank you. Thank you.

If you see me, don't ever think you can't ask me about Landry. Don't ask me about me, I'm doing as well as can be expected. But like I said, I'm proud of Landry so I'll gladly share as many details as you'd like to know. Probably more than you like to know. But, when you're a proud parent you sometimes don't know when to stop. Feel free to ask. I think it helps me to answer.

Again, thank you for all the love and support. We are surviving because the grace of God and the support of our friends and family. You mean a lot to us and we love you. Thanks!