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I am not going to lie this hurts. Just when I think it is starting to get easier it seems to get harder. The pain is still so real. Today was just a hard day for me and all I could do was think of our sweet Landry and miss everything about him, like his little mouth that reminds so much of Tyler's. The whole nine months I carried Landry I dreamed and planned out this Fall for us and now it is all different and to be honest it really stinks!
I feel like I should be a pro at grieving but it seems all new to me. I lost my older and only Brother, Justin (Tyler has his middle name) in a car accident when I was 13. My whole life was shattered in a single moment and everything that was normal to me was all different. I did feel that I had to be so strong for my parents because I knew that they were hurting and I will say that a lot of times I feel like I have to be strong for Tyler. Tyler has also lost a Brother but he never will get the opportunity to play with him and he does not fully understand what happened to his Brother but he asks about him if he sees a picture or the Hospital, but then he moves on once we tell him he is in Heaven. We always tend to ask Ty where he is and he always tells us he is in Heaven and then he will say I want to go see him. I just love that little boy! For me I feel a special bond with Tyler because I do know what it is like to loose a Brother. The pain that I feel this time is a lot different, but in away it is the same because it still hurts and the pain can be unbearable at times. When we found out that Landry was not going to make I immediately pictured my brother holding his nephew in his arms and a felt a since of peace. I kept telling Landry that his Uncle Justin would be waiting for him when he was ready to go home. I constantly have to remind myself that Landry is safe in the arms of our heavenly Father and his Uncle. I have lost two precious brown eyed boys and they will always live in my heart and I am so thankful that I had them in my life if only for a short time.
Today was hard and I did not know if I would be ale to make it but this evening I walked while Ty rode his Big Wheel around the block and all I could do was stare at Ty and listen to the joy in his voice. At that time I was reminded that God does not give us more than we can handle and that God will bring us joy again.
5 comments:
Holly, I saw your mom from afar at Nami this evening having dinner with friends. I know she is one of the most important women in your life and you also have another special bond with her understanding the pain and grief that comes with losing a son. I hope your days become more bearable and I am so glad that you still have the joy that can only come from our Heavenly father. What a beautiful vision of Landry in the arms of the Heavenly Father and his uncle.
You are so right, Holly. God will not give you more than you can handle. Praying continually for you and your family. I am so glad you are a faithful servant of God. Thank you for sharing with us and being a wonderful example.
Holly, I have never met you but I have heard what an amazing and strong woman you are by my husband Mike Allmon. I am so sorry to hear about this tragedy!!! We have a 2 year old son that I can't imagine ever being without. I cannot imagine what you are feeling losing a child. I am writing you to tell you that you are a true inspiration to people that you have never even met, and that you are touching lives through your blog!!! My brother was killed in a car acciednt 6 months ago today, at the age of 32. I am continually looking for comfort in this time of our loss and to see someone who has lost two people so close to them and still be able to get up ever morning and praise God shows what being a believer and a Christian is all about. It is easy to get wrapped up in the question "WHY?"...I still do it all of the time. I just want you to know that you have people praying for you and your family. You will be greatly rewarded in your life eternal where we will all get to be with our loved ones again FORVER!!! Praise Jesus!!!
Holly. Hang in there and let all of your emotions roll over you; try not to suppress them. You'll have mixed emotions- from one day to the next, you might be angry, defeated, hopeful, devastated, sorrowful. Grief is such an emotional roller coaster, so draining and so isolating. Just know that your friends, and babylost mothers like me who can relate to your pain, are there for you. I'm keeping your family in my thoughts. Wishing you many moments of peace and love.
This post brought some extra tears to my eyes. The pain you and your family have each felt at losing a son and a brother, but the joy that it must bring to know Landry had someone so special to greet him at the gates of Heaven. Such a beautiful thought. The pictures is my favorite and everytime I look at it...it makes me cry and feel your heartache and pain at that moment. It is amazing how a single picture can have such large emotions and feelings involved in it. Your stories are amazing...you are doing a great job.
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